I am so thankful that God knows what is best for me and had little Max come 3 weeks early so he had time to grow and not be a tiny just out of the oven baby when Brian left for those 25 days. I don't think I would have survived the lack of sleep and adjusting to having 2 munchkins. It is still hard to divide my time between the kids, and I feel bad for Avery and the lack of attention she receives from me sometimes. I don't like that I rely on cartoons right now so much. I know she likes them but I know she doesn't need to watch as much as she does. She doesn't really seem to mind most of the time about the lack of attention and I know eventually we are going to get to a better balance once Max gets into a regular routine which seems to be its own challenge. He is beginning to sleep in longer spurts during the day (and night) so Avery and I can do stuff. Like this week we made a welcome home signs for daddy, Halloween cupcakes, and played with play dough for the first time. Once Max is more in a routine I feel like it will also be easier to focus on Avery's potty training. Because to be honest her lack of desire to work on potty training is really so disheartening. I feel like I am her mother and should be able to teach her how to do this. I also feel like a dirty perv when I have to change a poopy pull-up. I am going to look into preschools for after the New Year for her. The only left I think is peer pressure. lol.
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| she was not sure what to do with it at first |
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| ice cream cone :) |
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| family of snow people |
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| after the cupcake |
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| she was so excited |
Max's challenges have been even more disheartening and making me feel bad. I had some nursing questions and the Navy offers a visiting nurse service to come to your house to help and weigh your baby. So I took advantage of it. She came the first week and did a quick weight and he was at 8lbs 1oz and then gave me some advice for nursing. So the next week she came and he was only 8lbs 2 oz (should have gained 5-7oz). :( So she immediately tells me my milk doesn't have enough calories and needed to supplement. She also said I could continue nursing if I wasn't ready to stop, but needed to give him formula. This really upset me and I was really mad at her. It was like she expected me just to give up on nursing after her only helping for a week. She is a nurse and knows the benefits of breast milk, how could she be so quick to drop it? Max wasn't losing weight, so why should I give up. So, I started giving him one bottle a day and started researching like crazy on how to get my milk to be more caloric. All that really came up was trying to get my supply up. So, I went for it, but being that I was by myself, it is so hard to pump, take care of the munchkins, and myself (not to mention the house which really just got overlooked). So, I would be up until 1 or 2 most nights to pump.
Before having kids all I knew was that breast feeding was the best for your child, but no one told me how hard it could be. With Avery I tried for probably 4 months and just gave up since she was only getting an ounce or so of breast milk every other day or so and was basically formula fed. With Max, I did a bit more reading and learned from my mistakes with Avery and felt more prepared and firm in my believes and desire to nurse Max. So, the fact that I still had nursing issues this time around and my milk not being enough calories for my boy makes me feel like I am doing something wrong as his mother. I felt the same way with Avery. I feel like God made me a woman and my job is to carry babies, birth them, and feed them. Well, I couldn't birth my children the way I wanted so was already feeling down on myself and now I can't give my boy what he needs. So I was having to deal with all these feelings by myself and try not to let it affect me too much because that could hurt my milk supply and just am doing what I can. I am hoping to get in more pumping time in now that Brian is home. I am praying to eventually stop supplementing, but above all I am praying for a healthy, happy boy. :)
Being by myself also made it harder for me to go out especially since I don't like nursing in public. I mean, I am a stay at home mom, so I know I have to get used to taking the kids by myself, but if we didn't happen to make it out during the day when Brian is here, we could all go together or one of us could go and get done what needs to get done. So I put on my big girl pants and we did manage to make it out a few times for fun. We went to a pumpkin Patch and walked around the neighborhood and found lots of playgrounds for Avery to enjoy. And even though I waited until it was an absolute must, we went to the grocery. I feel like that is super hard when you have a baby car seat in the front of the cart and a kid who doesn't want to walk, but would rather sit in the back of the cart which now full of groceries. That made for a fun trip. :) Then I realized I had a Snugglie and could strap Max on to me and let Avery have the front if she wanted and it seemed to work better except it was a tad bit harder to get a few things with a baby on my chest. We also managed Dr appointments and a trip to the ER to get a raisin out of Avery's nose.
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| I pretend I am good at taking photos |
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| go Max go- lift that head |
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| can't forget about the best dog ever :) |
Those 25 days were the longest 25 days I have experienced, but it also taught me some things.
I learned that I can handle the kids by myself, but at times it would have been so much easier with Brian here. Which is not really that big of a revelation in itself because everyone who has kids knows its easier when you have help. But I had someone tell me that I may realize that I could do this on my own and may not need to be married and that is where the real revelation came in. Even though Brian and I have had our share of problems and then some probably, I still love him and chose to be with him and even though I can handle the kids by myself, I chose not to. I chose the family and life we are making together. And even though though that may mean I have to sacrafice having him here all the time to help right now that is okay because of the sacrafice he is making for his country and his family to support us. I feel so blessed I am able to stay at home with my children and watch them grow. I know I have a college degree, but I know this is what I want to do and so thankful Brian allows me to do it. So, even though the past month has been challenging I am blessed more than I deserve or could have ever imagined.
I also am learning to be thankful for these 25 days. I am putting them in my book as pracice for next year's deployment. Brian will leave in May for 6-8 months (they keep changing the dates). That is going to be a lot harder. Yes, I plan on going home to IN once or twice, but the thought of the 12 hr drive by myself with 2 kids and a dog that requires a tranquilizer for travel is not exciting. I am hoping Brian sees it as practice too, because as much as he has hates being away now, it will be super hard next year. I am praying now for strength for us all now.
Well, this has taken so long to write I am no longer drinking my morning coffee, but enjoying the quiet while Avery naps and Max eats. What a blessed life. :)
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